Fervent Desires, A Scorching Warmth?

There is a hasty nature to music composition that act both as an attractive and elusive force. Entire sections of melodies come pouring through my fingers onto the keys of the piano. Sometimes, my handwriting fails to keep up with this pace. Other times, my mind fails to deliver these creative outbursts. But they are nonetheless outbursts. It’s a cleansing ritual for the mind and the soul. All the possible combinations of emotions are painted with deliberate strokes onto the musical canvas. There is almost a maddening rush to inundate the canvas with ideas, to squeeze the last bits of expression still flaming in my soul. Though it is a tiring experience, the passion it brings and the artistic piece it produces is nothing short of being admirable. Perhaps I should be investing more time to this activity, for it might just produce a monumental piece, a work of total reflection of my disturbed heart.

Accounting for myself, I have particular desires, or goals, in life. These elaborate, grand, eloquently imagined goals vary in degrees of desire. I seek these goals as much as they seek me. And when the days become darker and the cold wind roars in the distance, I think of these goals as a calming ground for quiet reflection. Though the haze of doing calculus problem after calculus problem, I had an option. I could continue my pursuit of my previous, already well-established and semi-defined goals, or I could diversify my goals and introduce a new realm, increasing the breadth of my ambitions. Why might I be inclined to pursue an increased breadth to my already numerous ambitions?

It may be because of these new goals that the past weeks went by as quickly as they did. My original reasoning came from the nature of this new goal. It was in an area of specialty in which I consistently score poorly. This field has rarely been my forte and my involvement in it has proved to be quite exhausting. I may want to specify this new goal for I apologize for my extensive ambiguity. It is not a subject of love but a more general scope: social behaviour and the understanding of the thoughts and the intentions of others. But perhaps this was not my actual reasoning, for it was much simpler and less technical. It was simply to bring substance in my life.

The substance can be sourced from an increase in emotion. A whirlpool of thoughts, happy thoughts, flushed within my mind. This substance was indeed more mature than that I experienced more than a year ago. Though, it brought back many of the same thoughts, both positive and negative, I have had from the previous experience. Though I have significantly decreased the amount of outlandish thoughts and the amount of persistent paranoia, such thoughts still exist and still remain a root cause of my vagaries. These thoughts wander a thousand miles before I can choose to calm myself again. Perhaps some of my deductions are correct, just perhaps. Though one fact remains: there is less of a need for the attention to be focused on me. The insecurities of the previous experience was mainly sourced from an incessant desire for attention. Even if she is everything in my life, I may not be everything in her’s.

These roller coasters of emotion cause unnecessary troubles. Though these troubles will remain as long as there is an intermittent nature to the progression of the substance experience. On lonely days I feel a void all around me, as if there is no action-response mechanism in which I can participate. Perhaps even when I was not involved, these bouts of loneliness surfaces. Though they were somehow subdued by work, the piano, and routines. It is an interesting metaphor and I will state it as such: once I taste the sweetness of chocolate my citrus fruits seem much less appealing. Though such a predicament is inevitable. The possibility of being with someone for as long as I desire does not exist. As much as I surrender to the beckoning of work, the foghorn of companionship sounds with absolute plea.

It calls to me with passion, it cries out in vain.

It warms my heart excessively, it brings unexpected pain.

The pain makes me remember those sweet memories,

for the pain, it is from not seeing her.

<<I’ll kiss your memory
As though you were here
I’ll hold your memories
Till you reappear

And as I wander through the darkness
I’ll keep crying one last tear
Now your lips are gone
I’ll kiss your memory>>

From Bee Gees

Maybe my desire will never be fully satisfied. The world is its own machine and I am a mere spectator. Perhaps the world will go about spinning and time will continue to tick. The future holds such ambiguity that great expectations are failing themselves. Perhaps our friendship is simply a friendship, a close friendship. I will store my hopes on this matter away and adapt to the circumstances. Though I will forever remember the sweetness those fractions of time did bring, those invaluable moments together, those moments of companionship. It is all too often that my expectations are bloated and unrealistic. Perhaps they are exactly the hopeless hope I have previous wrote about. As volatile as my emotions may seem, the connection will always exist. As much as my thoughts spin around my mind, the future is up to my own style. As lonely as I may feel when the sun sets and the fluorescent lights flicker on, well, there’s no solution to that. However much I decide to drown myself in long hours of work, loneliness remains. It is a detrimental truth, perhaps remedied by music, but never fully solved. Paradoxically, my quest for gaining substance in my life has revealed the stark contrast between companionship and solitude. It is not a general desire of companionship, however, it is the desire for meaningful companionship, with the person whom I love.


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